The Thickburger Massacre
by thecreepingwolf
Summary: Misa's tired after a long day and wants nothing more then a gut busting Thickburger. Rem decides to get one for her...but her intentions are questioned? Has Rem lost all affection for Misa? Some language and a scene of graphic violence. CRACK FIC
1. The Thickburger Massacre

The Bathroom Massacre

The Thickburger Massacre

Misa posed for yet another photo during a typical day of modeling. Though she enjoyed the work it could get surprisingly exhausting and right about now she was ready for her lunch break. Another flash of the camera and then it was break time. Misa headed outside for a bit of fresh air before lunch and let her mind wander. She thought of how she could get in contact with Light without creating suspicion. Of course he told her to only meet with him when he said it was ok but she was so infatuated with him she couldn't think straight enough to remember his warning. So being the idiot she was she decided tonight after work would be a nice time to swing by to harass Light with her boundless stupidity, even though it was made clear to her that she shouldn't come by for another week and a half. She grinned with her eyes closed, daydreaming about her precious Light/Kira.

Eventually her thoughts went back to contemplating lunch, specifically a big juicy Thickburger, perhaps even a double Thickburger…

"Mmmm..."said Misa with delight.

"What are you thinking about, Misa?"

The sound of the familiar voice jolted Misa out of her thoughts. Looking up in time to see Rem descend from the sky she stood looking confused before replying.

"Oh, I was just contemplating lunch. What are you doing here Rem? You usually don't hang around while I'm at work."said the blonde.

" I was bored so I thought I'd watch you work"

" Oh, so you have to be bored before hanging out with me?" said Misa with a pout.

"Watching you pose for hours at a time doesn't exactly appeal to me, Misa." Was the Shinigami's blunt, dead serious reply. Of course such a response was what Misa expected from Rem. Though something in the Shinigami's voice was different, sharper, then normal. Rem had been acting the slightest bit out of character lately. Staring intently at the blonde, getting irritable, and a handful of other quirky behavior. Misa decided to tease Rem.

"Aww, did someone piss in Rem's cheerios this morning?" said the air head. Rem glowered at Misa, a truly unnerving sight given her already disturbing appearance. Despite the display of anger the half-witted girl merely laughed.

"Well I'm about to go get lunch-aw shit! I've already wasted most of my break" said Misa as she looked down at her watch. "See you later Rem. Damn, I realy wanted that Thickburger" she added as she ran back watched her go and contemplated her attitude towards Misa. She had been feeling differently about her lately. The Shinigami found herself wanting to watch Misa constantly, to make sure she was happy and safe. In short Rem had fallen in love with the borderline retarded blonde. After being irritable with her, Rem felt bad and decided to apologize by getting Misa something to eat for when she got off work. The Death God spread her wings and flew over the city to fetch some food.

After a while Rem flew over a few fast food restaurants until she saw the one called "Hardees". They were the ones who sold the burgers which Misa so craved. She was just going to get her pet the standard ¾ pounder but then noticed a new special limited time offer: A pound and a half of pure angus beef loaded with lettuce, tomatoes, onions etc…..Rem hovered around until some guy ordered one of the monster burgers. As the guy went out the door she kept an eye on him until he turned the corner and went down an isolated street. She then snatched the bag from him.

"What the fu-" was all he managed to say before Rem shoved him into an open sewer for the gators to eat. Once that was done the murderous Shinigami took to the sky and headed back to where Misa was finishing her photo-shoot.

*************

Misa let out a long sigh of relief. Work was over and she was going to see her darling Light in just a little while. However before visiting the soon to be "God of the New World" she had more immediate concerns: 1st would be her full bladder and, 2nd would be her painfully empty stomach. The image of a big fat Thickburger drifted lazily through her mind making her drool with approval as she headed to the bathroom. After choosing the cleanest stall she could find she sat down to take care of her over inflated bladder. As she reached for the toilet paper she heard a strange noise that made her freeze: Someone was breathing extremely hard nearby, not to the point of hyperventilation but a very hard raspy sound none the less. Then it stopped just as suddenly as it began.

"Huh, I wonder who that could've been?" said the Misa out loud, half hoping for someone to answer but getting nothing. She wiped and then flushed. While the toilet flushed she heard the heavy breathing again but this time it was to hyperventilation levels.

*******************

**Rem's perspective**

Just outside the stall door stood Rem, panting with anticipation. She could imagine how happy Misa would be when she realized that not only did a delicious Thickburger await her but one that she never had before! It should make up for her blunt behavior earlier and possibly even earn her hug from her dear Misa. Rem stared unabashedly at Misa pissing. Rem felt no sense of shame at watching and couldn't understand why humans got so uptight about such things. As far as she was concerned Misa was just doing what she had to do and it was nothing to hide so she stared. When Rem saw Misa freeze her panting halted so she wouldn't give herself away. She wanted surprise Misa when she came out but did not wish to startle her on the toilet for fear of literally scaring the shit out of her. After Misa had flushed and was about to emerge from the stall she began breathing even harder then before. Now the blonde opened the door and cautiously stepped out, looked left… then right…. saw Rem breathing like a depraved walrus and screamed.

**Misa's perspective**

"_Oh my god…it was Rem breathing like that. Was she __watching me pee!? Why!?" _thought Misa. An expression of pure horror adorned her face. Rem took a step toward her and was about to say something when Misa began screaming. Dropping the bag containing the Thickburger Rem grabbed the blonde, covering her mouth with one hand before she could scream loud enough to draw attention.

"Misa calm down and let me explain." said the Shinigami. "I'm going to give you something you've wanted but never dreamed possible!" Continued Rem, referring to the extra large Thickburger. Unfortunately Misa's mind took the statement in a much different way.

"_No, Rem!"_ Misa only said the words in her mind because of Rem's enormous hand that was tightly wrapped around her mouth. The blonde squirmed and struggled but was powerless against the hulking monster that gripped her so tightly her oxygen levels began to drop dangerously low. The struggling slowed until Misa hung limp in the Shinigami's arms. Rem's grip loosened slowly with the realization of what had happened:

She had just killed her precious Misa!

For a moment Rem washorrified at what she had done.

"Oh god, no! Misa…please wake up!" She held Misa bridle style and put her head to the blonde's chest to see if she had any heart beat….and to her relief there was a steady rhythm emanating from inside. That's when she realized that she had to get the girl out of here before someone came in and saw the scene. It was now dark outside so she could fly Misa home provided she stayed out of the light from the city; it would look weird, to say the least, to see an unconscious person, a famous model none the less, floating through the air.

Rem gathered up Misa and the huge Thickburger and then climbed out the window and flew high over the city so no-one would notice. After the uneventful flight the shinigami climbed through Misa's bed room window and gently placed the blonde in bed where slowly she began to stir. Rem sat at the end of the bed watching intently as the disoriented air head opened her eyes and blearily looked around. When Misa's eyes focused on the Shinigami at the end of the bed she cringed and huddled against the headboard.

"Misa, you can stop cringing. I'm not going to do anything unpleasant to you." Said Rem. However Misa was unconvinced.

"Then why were you watching me use the bathroom? And then you grabbed me so tight I blacked out…" Misa trailed off.

"I was only trying to give you what you wanted" said Rem, still oblivious to what Misa thought she had tried to do.

"Rem, I don't want anything like that from you! Maybe that's how things work in the Shinigami world but you can't just give people things they don't want! Especially things like that!" Misa's eyes watered as she spoke. Rem was now getting frustrated.

"Misa, you said it yourself: Damn, I realy wanted that Thickburger. I get you one and bring it all the way to you and you act like a retarded bitch?"

Misa flinched. Rem had never gotten to the point of cursing and calling her names. That's when it hit her: Rem had been trying to give her a Thick burger this whole time?

"Wait, you mean this whole time you were trying to give me a Thickburger?" asked the blonde.

"Yes! What else could I possibly be trying to do?" said Rem.

Misa blushed as she tried to explain.

"Well….I uh...thought you were going to…well nevermind." said Misa as she buried her face in the covers. Rem finally knew what Misa had been thinking.

"You should know I wouldn't consider doing _that_ with a human." Said Rem, though, truth be told she found Misa extremely attractive and would consider such un-shinigami-like behavior if the blonde would allow it. Even someone as stupid as Misa could see that Rem was rather into her.

" Rem, admit it. You can't resist me!" said Misa as she threw herself onto Rem, who just sighed and reached for theThickburger.

"Here." Rem shoved the burger into Misa's mouth. The blonde giggled and began nibbling at the gut busting monstrosity. Rem wondered how it was going to fit inside the petite model but sure enough it was soon gone and Misa was too full to move.

"Rem, what kind of burger was that?"

"A 1and a ½ pounder."

"That's more then I'm used to Rem,"

"You told me it was something you always wanted but never dreamed possible." Said Rem.

"Yeah, but I was just talking shit Rem. Theres no way I could eat something that big without it leaving a grapefruit sized hole in my colon." Misa giggled at the thought.

At that moment something inside the Shinigami snapped. She had realized something that had been obvious all along: Misa Amane was stupid, childish, infatuated, impulsive, and always had her head up her goddamn ass. Yes, these things had been floating around in the back of Rem's mind for quite some time but seeing the sheer gluttony Misa had just presented had compounded all the other faults the girl had and caused Rem to lose all but a shred of the affection she once had for her.

"Rem? Rem!" said Misa, snapping Rem out of her thoughts.

" Yes, Misa?"

"I'm going to bed now to sleep this off".

"I see." Said Rem as she tucked the blonde in for the night.

"Oh, one more thing, Rem." Misa gave the shinigami a big hug before sliding back into bed. Rem ran her hand through Misa's hair one last time before slinking off to prepare for what needed to be done.

As Misa slept Rem flew off to find a weapons dealer. When she did the store was closed but Rem just walked through the wall and looked around. Numerous fire arms lined the walls and display cases. She picked 2: One was a Remington 12 gauge chambered for slugs and fully rifled. She chose this one because "Remington" had "Rem" in it. The second gun she chose was a Winchester Model 70 hunting rifle chambered in .458. In simple terms the Winchester was a fucking elephant gun. Rem then picked appropriate rounds for each and then left the store, having to break a window to get the guns out since they couldn't go through walls with her. Once back in Misa's room she loaded a magazine with four 500-grain magnum cartridges and then inserted the magazine into the rifle. Rem then worked the bolt action of the rifle so that now one of the huge, full-metal-jacket shells were now ready to be fired as soon as the safety was turned of. Rem then loaded the 12 gauge Remington Model 870 Express Slug Gun with 4 Premier Core-Lokt Ultra Bonded Sabot Slugs.

Once all was said and done Rem took a look at Misa and sighed. Though the girl was beautiful and Rem still had a small bit ofaffection left for her but nothing would stop her now. Rem pulled back the covers and took a few steps back. She then picked up the Model 870 and aimed at Misa. At the last second she instead picked up the Winchester .458, one of the most deadly of rifles, and fixed the sights on Misa's overly full gut. A rumble emanated from Misa's stomach almost as ominous as the rumble that would come from the rifle in a moment. Rem flipped the safety to the "off" position and began to slowly sqeeze the trigger.

The rifle cracked with a deafening sound that rattled the windows. The muzzle flash and recoil was enormous but Rem handled it well do to her immense hulking stature. 500 grains of reinforced steel made for penetrating 2 ½ ft of elephant skull was now flying at 2,100 ft per second toward a target no less then 10ft away. The bullet tore through Misa's side, ripped her intestines and kidney and then busted out the other side of her body with a brilliant spray of blood that stained the bed and the wall next to it. Misa's eyes shot open and there was a split second of silence as she glanced down at the gore covering her and the bed. Then she screamed. She screamed like no-one had ever screamed before as she writhed in terror and groped at her own guts. Bits of intestine and pure angus beef that was just starting to digest slipped through her hands.

"WAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH….agh..agh!!!!! HEEEEEEEEE..EL…ELLP M-ME-eee!" she howled, tears filling her eyes. In her throes of agony she saw brief glimpses of Rem standing there but may not have taken note of the gun Rem was preparing to shoot again. Misa's mind was every-where and no-where at the same time. She continued to cry out.

"R-REM!!!....Agh-uagh…..L-Li-ight!! HEEEEE-EL-EL-LP MEEEEE-AAAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!" Rem put two more .458 caliber bullets into Misa; the first hit one of Misa's wildly flailing arms and left it hanging by a thin thread of sinew and ligaments. The shock of no-longer having a left arm added to Misa's terror, if that was even possible at this point. The second bullet was a lung shot and cause blood to spray out of Misa's mouth like a fountain and reduce her cries for help to mere gurgling and gagging. Her thrashing had stopped and now she lay there as the most pathetic thing in existence dying in a pool of itself and gurgling quietly. The bit of affection Rem had left for the girl urged her to end her suffering; after all she had suffered enough to relieve Rems pent up frustration of the girl's idiosyncrasies. Rem fired a final bullet. It hit the underside of Misa's chin and traveled through her skull until it burst through the top. Blood and surprisingly brains sprayed over Misa's blonde hair and stained any of her possessions that happened to be near. Misa convulsedvery little and let out a death rattle and then was still.

Rem gathered the guns and ammo and took one final look at Misa before heading to the Shinigami realm. As said before guts were everywhere. A hole the size of an orange was on one side of her ribcage while the other side where bullet had exited was the size of a cantaloupe. Misa's skull was split more or less down the middle and one eye had been forced out from the impact. Even with the massive head trauma it was possible to see the look of shock on one respective halve of the girls head and the look of agony on the other halve. Rem then left and returned to Shinigami realm to watch the reaction to the young model's demise.

It's impossible to know if Misa in her state of horror ever realized it was Rem shooting at her or if she realized she was being shot at all.

___________

Author's Note

The whole Misa getting slaughtered thing was an unexpected turn of events for me. I had started writing this with the intention of Misa having a mis-understanding about Rem's intentions with the Thickburger and Rem killing Misa but I didn't know where it would go so I just started writing and here it is.

Don't hesitate to tell me what you exactly what you thought of it, even if you hated it. Though if you hated it please explain why in ac onstructive manner.

P.S: I can't even imagine Misa taking on a Thickburger!


	2. Post Massacre Reactions

Post Massacre Reactions

Post Massacre Reactions

Light couldn't believe what he was seeing. He had flipped on the t.v to see if there were any fresh criminals in need of judgment but what greeted him was a report about a dead model. A dead model named Misa Amane. Light realized that if Misa had indeed died Rem would soon kill him.

"Shit, this can't be happening….They must have the wrong Misa!" Said Light in an uncharacteristic panicked voice. Ryuk couldn't control his laughter.

"But light, I thought you wanted to get rid of Misa! Looks like the job did itself!" said the spiky haired Shinigami as he rolled on the ground laughing.

"Rem said she'd kill me if something happened to Misa, That's why this isn't good!" he yelled at Ryuk only making the Shinigami laugh harder. Luckily no-one else was home at the time to hear Light's outburst.

"It's fine" said Light, suddenly calm. "They found another dead blonde, air headed, model and confused her with Misa" The unlikely explanation seemed weak even as Light said it. No more speculation was needed when the news report showed a view of Misa's apartment from the outside with police tape sealing it off. The reporter was going around asking people what the thought of the whole thing. One teary eyed girl babbled out: "Kira….please kill the person responsible!" The girl then went back to crying stupidly. Several others in the crowd were chanting "Kill the bastard, Kira!"

Light thought that maybe if he killed whoever was responsible Rem would let him live. The problem was that no suspect had been apprehended as of yet and there weren't many clues. All the cops could tell was that someone did a brutal job with a high powered rifle at close range. There were no finger prints, hair samples, or signs of struggle in the room whatsoever. Also no trace of a murder weapon.

"Ryuk, go to Misa's apartment and confirm its her that's dead in there." Said Light while hoping and praying to god(in other words himself) that this was a sick joke.

"Will do" and with that Ryuk was off.

**************************

Meanwhile from the Shinigami realm Rem watched the ensuing chaos without much feeling about the event. Overall she saw stupid creatures overeating to another stupid creature being killed in the course of everyday human life. Hell, so many people end up stabbed, shot, and beaten that Rem couldn't see why Misa's death should be anymore note worthy on the basis that she had posed for pictures. Rem decided that she should inform Light Yagami that it was indeed her who had slaughtered Misa. Grabbing the Slug gun, the Shinigami set off for the human realm.

****************

Ryuk returned from Misa's apartment and confirmed the bad news.

"Yep. Dead as dead can be."

"Shit!" said Light just as Rem came in…with a Slug gun!?

Light hid under the bed to avoid any possible gunfire."Rem, I had nothing to do with it! Please let me explain!" Light had no idea that Rem would _shoot _him. He assumed that she would write his name down in the Death Note, not that it mattered since he'd end up dead either way. Rem stared at him for a moment, a _long_ moment, and then said in her typical tone of voice:

"_This_ is my rifle." Indicating the slug shooter.

"_This _is my gun." Indicating her crotch.

"_This one's_ for fighting…" Once again indicating her Remington.

"…_.This_ one's for fun" And again she gestured at her crotch.

Light and Ryuk didn't know what the hell to say or think. Had Misa's death driven the bony Shinigami insane? That was _not_ a good prospect. After a long moent of awkward silence Rem spoke again.

"Light Yagami, Misa is dead. Killed by my own hand."

At this both Ryuk and Light dropped their jaws.

"She had grown intolerable." continued Rem. "So I took her life myself. Because I myself killed her, you will have no responsibility for her death."

Light breathed a shaky sigh of relief. "_No more Misa __and I get to live_" he thought. Rem turned to leave but there was still a question to be answered:

"Rem, I thought you loved Misa?" both asked in unison.

"At the moment she became intolerable my love for her became nothing more then love one feels for a pathetic creature with such massive intellectual limitations that it's better off dead. At that point killing her was barely an issue." answered Rem

"Cold." Said Ryuk looking stunned

"What will you do now, Rem?" asked Light.

"I will return to the Shinigami realm and watch your game with the detective L." And with that Rem left.

"Wow, and I thought you were cold, Light"

"Sure." Said Light as contemplated the events that just transpired and began to plan what move to make now.

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Thanks for reading!

Please review and tell me what you thought.


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